


i'm still using these words i don't know the meaning of [18/52]

by andrea_deer



Series: 52 aspec drabbles/ficlets of 2017 [18]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: 52 aspec drabbles, Angst, Aromantic Character, Canonical Character Death, F/F, F/M, aromantic eleanor guthrie, brutal angst, mention of eleanor's relationships, mention/hint at her death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 10:07:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12386010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andrea_deer/pseuds/andrea_deer
Summary: Eleanor told Charles she loved him.After all, wasn't that what love was supposed to feel like? Reckless, wild and free?So deliciously self-aware, constantly testing her own limits as she played with fire.





	i'm still using these words i don't know the meaning of [18/52]

Eleanor told Charles she loved him.

She was quite sure she did.

After all, wasn't that what love was supposed to feel like? Reckless, wild and free? 

So deliciously self-aware, constantly testing her own limits as she played with fire.

She realized she didn't love Charles, not exactly. She loved how free she could be with him. He didn't expect any better from her, nor any worse. He thought he knew her and watched her with that annoying knowing smirk of his, but he finally, for the first time, let her rage.

Max taught her she had more emotions she could finally show than rage.

Eleanor's skin consumed Max's whispered confessions of love and Eleanor moaned her reply, as sincere as she could be. Thinking that surely there can't be more than this.

Max was calming and empowering. She helped Eleanor relax and made her feel like she finally earned her place. Like she could have Max and no one would dare to say a word against it.

She could have what she wanted, and she wanted Max. She wanted everything with her.

But she wanted both everything _and_ her. Forced to chose she could not abandon years of ambition, the feel of power, the feel of finally properly mattering.

She thought that when she was willing to step down from the throne, to stand behind it and support the man wielding the power, then it was love.

Being recognized by a man who saw her at her worst. Being respected by him. Seen as an equal to him.

She clung to him with desperation and eagerness and thought: this, this must be love.

When the Spaniards came she realized: it was fear.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://archiveofourown.org/works/lordnochybaty.tumblr.com) or come to [my aspec sideblog](http://acesthetically-pleasing.tumblr.com/) for more aspec goodies :)


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